🚨 Elon Musk Arrested for Ketamine Abuse, Horse Bribery Scandal Unravels

AUSTIN, TX — In a stunning turn of events that shocked no one paying attention, tech billionaire Elon Musk was arrested early Friday morning for habitual ketamine abuse and attempted equestrian-based bribery.

Authorities say the arrest followed a months-long investigation into Musk’s erratic behavior, financial disclosures, and repeated attempts to “medicate” his reputation with tranquilizers powerful enough to drop a full-grown Clydesdale.

“We found him shirtless, wearing a SpaceX helmet, trying to inject ketamine into a Tesla charging station,” said one federal agent. “He kept yelling something about ‘taking Twitter to Mars.’”

🐎 A Horse, of Course

The case reached a breaking point when investigators revisited a 2016 incident in which Musk allegedly offered a SpaceX flight attendant a horse in exchange for sexual favors. At the time, the story was dismissed as “eccentric billionaire behavior.” But now, sources say it was “just the tip of the saddle.”

“He was using the horse as both a gift and a dealer,” said one unnamed source close to the investigation. “The horse’s name was allegedly ‘Special K.’”

The horse could not be reached for comment.

💊 Ketamine Capitalism

Ketamine, a powerful dissociative anesthetic originally developed as a horse tranquilizer, has found new life in elite tech circles as a recreational “mood stabilizer.” Musk himself admitted in 2023 that he uses ketamine to manage what he vaguely described as “chemical tides.”

According to experts, this “treatment” has coincided with increasingly erratic decisions, including:

• Renaming Twitter to “X” for no reason
• Posting memes during SEC investigations
• Launching tunnels that go nowhere
• Insisting the Cybertruck is “actually really great if you just wait longer”

One addiction specialist commented:

“It’s not uncommon for narcissistic billionaires to self-medicate with tranquilizers. What’s uncommon is trying to lead global transportation policy while doing it.”

👮 The Arrest

The arrest occurred shortly after Musk reportedly tried to expense a ketamine-fueled trip to a Tesla shareholder meeting under the line item “vibes.” During the arrest, Musk allegedly requested to livestream it on X, claiming it would “boost engagement.”

📉 Market Reaction

Tesla stock fell 12% on the news before recovering slightly when investors remembered they have nowhere else to put their money.

Wall Street analysts say the incident may finally force regulators to ask the question: “What is Elon Musk, actually?”

🧠 Disclaimer

This is satire, inspired by real-world reports, behaviors, and allegations. Elon Musk has not been arrested (yet). But he has admitted to ketamine use, and the horse-bribery story is very real. We’re just connecting dots.