WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk has been arrested on charges of massive federal fraud after investigators concluded he spent over a decade collecting government subsidies while publicly whining about the very existence of government.
Federal prosecutors say the arrest stems from a long-running grift where Musk secured billions in taxpayer support—from EV tax credits to space contracts—while simultaneously tweeting things like “regulations suck” and “government is just a monopoly on violence.”
“The irony is so dense it has its own gravitational pull,” said one official.
“He got rich off regulations—EV credits are regulations—and still somehow convinced people he’s against government interference.”
🏛️ Regulatory Welfare King
According to a leaked report from the DOJ, Musk’s companies—Tesla, SpaceX, SolarCity, The Boring Company, and Twitter/X—have collectively received over $10 billion in government funding, subsidies, and credits.
These include:
- $7,500 per vehicle in EV tax credits for Tesla buyers
- $3+ billion in NASA and DoD contracts
- State and local incentives for factories and facilities
- COVID-era PPP loans
- Multiple rounds of bailouts, kickbacks, and regulatory carve-outs
And yet, Musk’s public persona has been that of a rugged, self-made capitalist who rails against “big government” and “overregulation.”
“He told investors he was Atlas, but it turns out he was just lifting with government spotters,” said a senior investigator.
🧵 Twitter as a Diversion Tactic?
Officials believe Musk’s increasingly unhinged Twitter activity may have been a strategy to distract from the growing mountain of government dependency.
“Every time someone mentioned subsidies, he posted a meme of a crying Wojak or threatened to fight Zuckerberg in a cage match,” said a forensic accountant. “Classic misdirection.”
🚀 Space Grift?
Even SpaceX isn’t off the hook. While Musk loves to brag about being a “private space pioneer,” prosecutors noted the company exists largely because of government contracts—90% of SpaceX’s early funding came directly from NASA.
The most egregious example?
A $3 billion contract from NASA to land humans on the Moon—awarded to SpaceX despite the fact that Starship, after eight test flights, has yet to successfully carry so much as a banana to orbit.
The lunar mission has since been delayed indefinitely, with insiders quietly admitting that Starship is currently about 0% of the way to the Moon, both figuratively and literally.
“He’s basically a defense contractor with a Twitter problem,” said one analyst.
📉 Market Reaction
Markets barely reacted, assuming Musk would post bail using an expired Dogecoin wallet and be tweeting again by morning.
TSLA stock rose slightly on the news, after an AI model misread the arrest as a sign of Musk “pivoting to new opportunities.”
🧠Disclaimer
This is satire—but based on very real facts, contracts, and contradictions. Elon Musk has not been arrested (yet), but he has accepted billions in government funding while attacking the very system that props up his companies.
